A Moment of Weakness: Book 2 in the Forever Faithful trilogy Read online

Jade had glanced down at her bare feet and sighed impatiently. “I’m not wearing shoes, Jim.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Not really.”

  He had studied her. “You play a better game of hard-to-get than any girl I know. You know what else?”

  Jade was certain she hadn’t looked up. She rarely gave Jim the privilege of eye contact. “What?”

  “You’re not so bad looking for a girl who plays it cool.”

  “Change the subject, Jim.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m not interested. If you must come around and talk to me, then please stop pretending I’m your girlfriend. I’m not.”

  He’d seemed indifferent. “You seeing someone else?”

  “No. I’m not seeing anyone. I don’t want to see anyone. How much clearer can I be?”

  “Fine. One day you’ll wise up and come to your senses.” Jim puffed out his chest. “But you better hurry. I won’t be free forever.”

  Jade had a hundred memories of conversations like that one. Then, last summer, when Jim graduated from college, he did the craziest thing of all. She was working at a sporting goods store in town when he came in wearing a wide grin. He motioned for her and she followed him outside.

  “Jade, I know this is a strange place to ask you …” He pulled a tiny velvety box from his pants pocket.

  She remembered feeling deeply alarmed and then trapped, like she might suffocate. She knew what was coming, and she was helpless to stop it.

  He opened the box and therein lay a smallish diamond ring. “I already asked your father.… What I’m trying to say is, I can’t wait around forever, Jade. I want to offer you the chance of a lifetime. Your daddy said so himself.” Jim had grinned and Jade thought she might hyperventilate. “What do you say? Marry me and let’s stop playing games with each other.”

  She cringed now remembering her reaction. She had pushed the ring away and cried loudly. “Jim are you out of your mind? I don’t want to marry you. I don’t want to date you. I never have.”

  He had stared at her blankly, then methodically closed the tiny box and hid it back in his pocket again. “You don’t get it, do you?”

  “No, you don’t get it! You’ve hung around long enough that I consider you a friend. Not a great friend. Not even a good friend. But I have never given you the impression that what we have is more than a casual friendship.”

  Jim’s face reflected the pain her words had caused him. But almost instantly his expression had changed and a wicked grin broke across his face. His eyes boldly roamed the length of her. “Don’t you see, Jade? You’re nothing. Nobody. Your father’s an alcoholic; you have no friends. What’re you going to do? Live alone for the rest of your life?” He shrugged as if she’d done little more than turn down an offer of dinner and a movie. “Have it your way. But one day you’ll come to your senses. I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, Jade Conner. And don’t you forget it. Give me a call when you change your mind.”

  Jim still called now and then, but Jade had the feeling he was giving up on her. He wasn’t a bad guy, really. Just shallow and self-centered, and the thought of being married to him made Jade nauseous.

  She stretched and forced Jim’s face from her mind.

  No, Tanner hadn’t looked at her the way Jim Rudolph had. Tanner saw straight into her soul. But he was also attending one of the finest universities in the country with plans to be elected to public office. He had a wonderful family, more money than she would ever see, and a future brimming with possibilities.

  Whatever came of them this summer, it would not amount to more than friendship. Tanner deserved someone like himself.

  And she … well, maybe her father was right. Maybe she deserved someone like … like Jim.

  If that were true, Jim had been right that day in the sporting goods store. Because she would rather live alone till the day she died than marry Jim Rudolph.

  Seven

  IT STARTED WITH EVENING WALKS ALONG THE COWLITZ RIVER and up the trails through Tam O’Ashanter Park and quickly progressed to dinner every night that week. They ordered pizza and watched a baseball game at Tanner’s apartment. Another time they ate at a Chinese restaurant and flew kites on a bluff overlooking the banks of the Cowlitz River.

  By the end of that first week, Jade hoped the summer would never end.

  Most couples spending this kind of time together would have considered themselves dating. But Tanner had not looked at her again the way he had that first night, after the town meeting. He did phone her every day when he was finished at the office and seemed happy to spend time with her. But then, she was the only person in town he knew. Nothing in his manner or words gave her any indication that he desired more than friendship from her. He didn’t seem to think of her in a romantic sense, and Jade was glad. What could possibly come of it?

  They lived in worlds separated by three thousand miles and a chasm of time too great to bridge.

  Even so, Jade was enjoying herself immensely. She was surprised at how freeing it felt to spend evenings away from home. By the time she got home each night, her father was asleep, and she would creep to her room unnoticed. No yelling or threatening or accusations.

  No one telling her she was an idiot.

  It was Friday evening, and again Jade and Tanner had plans to be together after work. They met in front of his apartment just after six. Tanner greeted her with a hug and a bag of sub sandwiches. “Joe’s Deli?”

  “Mmm. Good choice.”

  “The supervisors said I couldn’t go wrong at Joe’s.”

  Jade followed him inside. “The supervisors … ah, yes. My favorite people. At least they’re good for something.”

  He flipped on a light, pulled out two paper plates, and set them on the table. “How’s Shaunie?”

  Jade wasn’t used to someone asking about her day. Three days ago the question would have made her suspicious, but now she smiled as she sat down at the table. “The infection’s gone. So far her tests look good. She might be able to go home tomorrow.”

  Tanner sat down across from her and peeled the wrappers off two subs. “Pray?”

  Jade nodded and quickly bowed her head. Tanner had prayed often that week—over every meal and sometimes after spending an evening talking. Just to let God in on the conversation, he’d told her.

  When he was done, he caught her gaze. “You care about her, don’t you?”

  “Shaunie?” It was wonderful talking with someone who so easily read her mind. “Yes … like she was my own daughter.”

  Tanner took a bite. “Think you’ll have a daughter one day? Kids?”

  “I don’t know.” She glanced down at her plate where the sandwich looked suddenly wilted.

  Tanner set his food down and leaned back in his chair. He studied her in silence for a moment then tilted his head. “Every time I bring up relationships you shut down.” His voice was soft, and Jade could hear how much he cared for her, how much he wanted her to open up to him. But how could he understand what her life had been like? How it felt to have your mother leave and be raised by an alcoholic father?

  She sighed. “I’m sorry.”

  Tanner pushed his plate aside and rested his forearms on the table. He leaned toward her when he spoke. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just want to know you, Jade … what you’re thinking behind those beautiful eyes.”

  Her heart skipped a beat, and she wanted to bolt from the table, escape back to the private solitude of her cluttered home and stuffy bedroom. She forced herself to remain seated, studying her plate.

  “It’s about your mama, isn’t it?” Tanner inched his chair near hers, then reached out with gentle fingers to take her hand in his. “I’m here. If you want to talk about it.”

  Jade had hidden her feelings about her mother for so long, she’d become expert at it. But being around Tanner that week had weakened more walls than she cared to admit. Right now, with Tanner stroking her hand
and questions about her mother dangling in the air like so many skeletons, Jade felt the dam breaking.

  She still hadn’t looked up, and as the tears gathered they spilled freely onto her plate.

  Tanner must have seen them. He moved closer still, put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her close. “It’s okay, Jade. I’m here.”

  She had never cried about her mother’s leaving, preferring denial at first and anger after that. But here, with Tanner’s breath against her face and her father miles away, she no longer had the desire to fight the pain that welled within her. Instead she slumped against Tanner’s shoulder and gave in to a torrent of grief. He stroked her hair and turned so that his other arm embraced her also. In hushed tones he uttered caring words, calming words until her sobbing eased.

  “I’m so sorry.” Tanner was still stroking her hair and her back, comforting a place in Jade where the child still lived. A child who had spent too many years alone.

  Tanner pulled away, found a tissue, and handed it to her. “It must have been awful.”

  Jade blew her nose and leaned back, settling her gaze on his. She stayed that way a while, and Tanner waited, letting her decide when she was ready to talk. Like the tears, there had never been any place for words regarding her mother. Now finally she was ready. Tanner cared how she felt, what had happened to her after she moved from Williamsburg.

  Jade drew a shaky, deep breath. “She never even said goodbye.”

  Tanner kept his eyes trained on her.

  “I still don’t know exactly what happened. Something, someone must have caught her attention. Whatever it was, she left and never looked back.”

  “Did you ever ask your dad?”

  Jade closed her eyes. “A hundred times. The answer was always the same. ‘Your mother’s a whore. Don’t bring her up again in this house.’ ” Jade’s voice echoed with anger as she recalled her father’s words. When it came to the disappearance of her mother, anger was the only emotion Jade’s father had ever displayed.

  “So you still don’t know what happened?”

  She shook her head, then hesitated. Tanner eased closer again, his arm around her shoulders once more. She struggled to find the right words. “There must have been some other man. Otherwise Daddy wouldn’t have called her a whore.”

  Tanner stroked her arm, and Jade pulled slightly away so she could see his eyes. “You asked me if I want a daughter someday.” She blinked back fresh tears. “Probably not. Because that would mean getting married, and I’ve seen what marriage does to people.” A picture of her father passed out in his vomit came to mind, and she dismissed it. “I would only want a child if I could provide her the home I never had. A mom and a dad and security. A place where she would be loved.”

  Tanner stroked her cheek again. Still he remained silent, and Jade knew he was giving her the space to say everything she’d never said. She sighed. “What kind of mother leaves her child and never looks back? She never called me or visited me or remembered my birthday. Didn’t she love me, Tanner? Didn’t she care about what I might feel when I was old enough to realize what she’d done? To realize she didn’t want me?”

  She began crying again and through her tears her voice rose. She hated her mother for what she’d done, and it felt good to be able to finally say so. “Other little girls talked about their mamas … how they baked or shopped for them, how they curled their hair or helped them with their homework.

  “Every time someone asked me about my mother I felt like a piece of my heart was being strangled.”

  Jade relaxed against Tanner’s chest and stared at a picture on the wall. The image of Tanner and his parents outside their home in Virginia smiled back at her. She closed her eyes. How could Tanner relate to this sorry picture of her adolescence?

  Jade clung to Tanner. It didn’t matter if he couldn’t relate. She felt utterly safe and cared for, and now that she had begun, she wanted him to know everything.

  “I was thirteen when I got my period. We’d seen the film in school, but I wasn’t ready. When I saw how much I was bleeding, I hid in my backyard behind a trash pile. I cried and cried, scared about what was happening to me.”

  She craned her head and found his eyes again. “Do you know what I thought? I thought I was dying, Tanner. Because I didn’t have a mother to tell me … I had to sneak into my dad’s wallet and steal five dollars so I could buy pads at the corner store. I wasn’t even sure how to use them or where the blood was coming from.”

  The memory churned in her stomach. She faced Tanner. “I could never, ever in a million years do that to a child. If I had a child I’d want him to have two parents, so he would know he was loved by a mother and a father.”

  Tanner was silent, listening, watching her. Jade felt more tears and she blinked them back. “I’d cherish everything about him. The baby years, the toddler years. Kindergarten and grade school. I’d volunteer in his classroom and take him with me on walks. I’d make scrapbooks of his life so he could see where he came from and know where he was going. I would be his closest friend in the world, and we’d love each other forever.” Jade paused. “Maybe that’s why I feel so strongly about the children’s unit at Kelso General.”

  Tanner placed his finger under her chin and Jade could see in his eyes that he understood. When he spoke his voice was filled with compassion. “Those are your children. You don’t want me or the board or anyone else taking them away from you.”

  Jade nodded. “I can’t tell you how many times my dad has told me I’m nothing, a nobody without a future.… But when I’m with those sick babies, I know what I’m supposed to do with my life. That’s why I was so mad that day at the meeting.”

  Tanner still cupped her face with his hand, tracing her jaw and staring deeply into her eyes. “Your father says that to you?”

  He was clearly horrified, obviously unable to fathom a father like hers, and again Jade felt their differences. “All the time.”

  “You don’t need that, Jade. The man isn’t good enough for a daughter like you. You should leave home. Get a place of your own.”

  Jade nodded. “I will. As soon as I finish my nurse’s training.”

  Tanner stood then and moved across the room. When he returned, he held what looked like a Bible. “I want to show you something.”

  “In the Bible?” What did this have to do with her sordid life? Jade watched as Tanner flipped his way through the pages. She noticed highlighted areas throughout and tiny scribbling in the margins. Apparently Tanner was a man who took the Bible seriously. He quickly found what he was looking for.

  “Here it is. In Jeremiah. God was reassuring the people through the prophet Jeremiah that if they turned their hearts toward him, he would be faithful with them for all times.”

  Jade nodded, still not sure what this had to do with her.

  “I want to read you something from Jeremiah twenty-nine.” He put his finger on the section of text, and Jade saw it was already highlighted. “ ‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ ”

  Tanner passed the Bible to Jade. “Here, read it again.”

  Jade read it to herself and then looked at him. “What does it mean?”

  He angled his head back thoughtfully and considered her question. As he did, a feeling, a hot sensation spread across her cheeks, and again their differences seemed glaringly obvious. “I uh … well … we didn’t read the Bible much.”

  There was nothing condescending in Tanner’s expression, but Jade had the sense he could see into her soul, as if he knew her heart long before she was willing to frame her thoughts with words. She hung her head slightly. “Okay, never … We, well, we weren’t exactly church-goers.” She hesitated. “I talk to God sometimes, though. When there’s no one else to talk to.”

  Tanner’s eyes lit up. “Good. That’s all this is, really. God’s way of talking back to us.” He pointed to the verse in Jeremiah again
. “So what you see there is a promise that applies to anyone who puts their trust in the Lord, just like it applied to God’s people back then. Because that’s how God feels about those who love him.” Tanner ran his finger under the words again. “I know the plans I have for you … plans to give you hope and a future.”

  It sounded nice, Jade had to admit. But had she ever put her trust in the Lord? She didn’t think so, but she wasn’t willing to discuss it with Tanner. Not now. She tried to imagine how different her life might be if the Bible verse were true. Almighty God? A plan for her life? She didn’t think so, but it was comforting to think about. “Thanks, Tanner.”

  “Do you believe it?”

  She shrugged. “Hasn’t happened so far.”

  Tanner’s shoulders dropped. “That’s why it’s so important that you accept him as your.” Something in his eyes withdrew. “Never mind … I’m not trying to confuse you, Jade. But you’ve got to believe God loves you. Your life’s just beginning. Don’t you see?”

  “I see that our sandwiches are wilting.”

  He eyed the partially eaten subs and smiled. “I get the point. Topic closed.”

  They finished eating and watched the movie—a comedy Jade had seen twice before. But watching it with Tanner made every line new, and she laughed until she could barely breathe. When it was over, they sat facing each other on his rented sofa.

  “I have an idea.” Tanner laid his arm across the back of the sofa so that it was nearly touching Jade’s shoulder.

  “I’m listening.”

  “Come with me Sunday to Portland. I’ve been so busy I haven’t called my mother in days. I promised I’d see her this weekend—” he leaned closer and his eyes clouded with doubt, as though he was sure she’d say no before he finished asking—“we could go to church in the morning and spend the afternoon with my mom. Have dinner at her house, something like that.”

  Panic coursed through Jade’s veins. She’d barely known Tanner’s mother back when they were children. Even though she hung out at his house, his mother rarely made herself available or went out of her way to be kind to Jade. “Do you think she’d want me to come?”